Insights re. my ER medical event...when I couldn't breathe...

Note…This writeup is a compilation of my random insights following a serious medical event.  Not a lot of details, just insights…in case it helps anyone else to read them.  Thank you.  Losha.

Insights regarding my ER medical event…when I couldn’t breathe…

I was not prepared for it at all.  I was so indoctrinated by my spiritual beliefs that I could “heal thyself” that I never even thought of going to the hospital.  When things started happening fast and furious, I didn’t have time to process what was happening.

After I had been stabilized, the doctor started talking about keeping me in the hospital.  I couldn’t even comprehend that thought…it was so foreign to me.

I realize now that I could not truly understand how bad off I truly was.  In my case (not sure if this would help others, too), looking back, it would have helped me if the doctor had said to me, “look, you are in much worse shape than you realize.  You need to go to the hospital in order to get better”.  Now, granted, that should not have to be the doctor’s responsibility, but in my case, I probably needed to hear that.

In all my memories, this is the only “dire” medical situation I have ever experienced.  Even when I got in a car accident, and sustained a traumatic brain injury, it was never an “acute” situation,..it happened subtly, and gradually.

So, this is why I am writing about it…it was a pivotal moment in my life…for me.

Lots of little observations…just being admitted in the hospital was such a shock to me.  I realize now that I like to have “control” in my life…well, as I am sure many of you out there know, even better than I, that control, and the hospital experience, are not a match!  LOL

The physical experience of having a nose cannula (oxygen) attached 24/7, for two days, really drove me crazy…and then the poking and prodding of the needles and blood pressure continuously…sleeping with all kinds of lights on (I am photo sensitive) was challenging…but, I learned, if you are exhausted enough, you will find a way to sleep.

What really surprised me about being way out of my comfort zone, was that, it didn’t end up being as big of an issue as I thought it would be (I actually panicked about it inside of me!)...which was a huge lesson for me….that I could handle some “change” and it won’t be a catastrophe.  That was a huge insight and lesson for me.

Another huge area that I am still in the thick of…is immense gratitude…great big, huge, gratitude.  

Gratitude for all of the amazing and proficient medical staff that “saved me” (in my eyes, they did)...the way they went to work so quickly when they saw my oxygen level was at 68, considered “critically low”....was so humbling to me.  I think my gratitude is also mixed with a new feeling I experienced…that I was “worth” saving.  That may sound strange but I realize that that was an important aspect for me, personally.  It also tells me that I have some personal issues that cause me to feel less than valuable, at times.  It is something I am now going to work on resolving.

Back to gratitude…I am grateful to be able to breathe again (I am crying as I write this part)...something we take for granted in our busy lives, but I never will again…I promise you.

Gratitude to my beloved hubby…for doing so much for me during this time when I couldn’t do for myself.  It’s funny…I have always taken on the “caretaker” role before with almost everyone I meet, but this time, I “had” to allow myself to be taken care of…for caretakers, that is a very new feeling, for sure.  However, looking back, I can see how I needed to see the other side of it, just once, at least.  Allowing someone else to take care of you is a very vulnerable feeling…maybe because many of us have most likely grown up not really experiencing being taken care of, for many different reasons (through no fault of anyone in particular)...but, I can say now, without a doubt, it is a very valuable experience to have foisted upon oneself.  

This all brings me to a big insight…for me…that is that I feel “reborn”...that may sound corny, but I am sure there are others out there who have felt a similar way…and again, I have immense gratitude for it.  I feel different now…in a great way.  Again, kind of schmaltzy, but I feel like I have been to the end, and I got to turn around, and keep on living….keep on learning, and giving…even bigger than before.

Everything in my life feels slightly changed now…there is a different “texture” to my life and its’ surroundings…all my interactions feel a bit deeper, more meaningful, less shallow.

Now, this is going to sound the most crazy, but it almost feels like my life has changed permanently.  I believe in different timelines and dimensions in our world, and I truly believe that this event set a different, and actually better, timeline in motion, for me…and I am truly excited by it…I can’t wait to see what it brings!

I have always believed that everything that happens (to me or anyone else) is happening for a reason…and a good one.  It may take us days, weeks, or even years to actually discover the reason, but when I do, I understand why everything had to happen in just that way.

Even my traumatic brain injury…it has been almost 25 years since it happened, but looking back, I can now see that I am a much better person for having lived through it all.  I became more compassionate, both for myself and others, I have been challenged to stand up for myself, and most of all, I “see” others much more deeply now, it seems, since my brain injury…and I am now extremely grateful…for all of it.

So, I am learning many new insights regarding my latest event…and they just keep coming!

I even believe that my improved, life-altering health over the last year contributed to my lungs and body healing much quicker than the doctors first projected…and for that, I am grateful.

It amazes me that I can have gone through a very harrowing experience like this, but still come out of it with such immense gratitude, learning such valuable lessons from it all, and to be excited about the different path it has put me on.  

Such Joy in this moment.

Thank you all for listening.  I love you all.

Blessings Be…

Losha.