Wow...how does one start writing about their whole life? I will start out with a few “challenges” and then end it with some positives...so please don’t stop reading too early! Thanks (smile)
Most of my childhood, my older sister and I just remember our Mom crying, most of the time. So, we both learned to “walk on eggshells”, and to not cause a scene at all. My sister dealt with it by becoming an “A+ student”...and she was! She wanted to “please” our parents, so they might feel better, I think.
I handled it by becoming “invisible”...withdrawing from all that was around me. There is a strange picture of me when I was about 1 ½ years old...I had on some pajamas, and I was just sitting, cross-legged, in the “corner” of a room, with not much expression on my face...almost stone-faced. I always felt that was an “omen” of some kind.
It turned out that the reason my Mom was crying all the time was because her parents had pulled her into their own marriage problems...and were pressuring my Mom (an only child) to take “sides” during their weekly “talks”. Looking back, it was an unconscionable thing to do to their child (Mom was about 28 at the time), and it ripped my Mom in two. She spent most of the rest of her life battling depression. Very sad.
As a result, I grew up feeling neglected, craving attention whenever I was “sick” (it was pretty much the only time I received caring from my Mom), I hated conflict, and I didn’t like to “stand out” (even though I was very “sociable” by nature).
That was the biggest “shaper” of who I became in this lifetime, until I began “remembering” some instances of sexual abuse, just in the last two years or so...the first incident happening when I was three years old. I have had some therapy to try and deal with it, however, I still don’t really remember any details. I DO know that I have lots of “triggers” though...such as being “probed”, “grabbed”, “penetrated”, “tickled”. Those words are real triggers for me, even now.
I know though, that by working with Rocky, I will eventually be able to work through these yucky emotions and memories, and turn it all into a “motivator” possibly, to “remind” myself that “I AM Worthy”! I can’t wait for that day!
The other big event in my life was a culmination of blows to the head, which finally resulted in a full-blown brain injury in September, 2002. I was a passenger in my boss’ car, and we were coming back from lunch. We were stopped at an intersection, and all of a sudden my boss looked in his rear view mirror, and said, “Oh, Sh#t”. For some reason I began to turn my head to the right and then we got hit...hard. I don’t think she even put the brakes on...no squealing sounds or skid marks. My boss later said that she was coming “like a bat out of hell”. Her car license plate was “imprinted” on the back bumper of my boss’ car.
As happens with many rear-enders, I told my boss I was okay, even though I felt my neck make a sickening “crunching” sound. About two hours later, I took myself to Urgent Care...I wasn’t feeling right.
Well, long story short, I wouldn’t wish what I have experienced since then, on my worst enemy. The hardest part was that everyone said I “looked fine”...but I was far from fine, inside. I wanted to wrap my head in a gauze bandage so others would know that all was “not right” with me. I was actually “grieving a death”...the death of the “old” me. A brain injury really challenges relationships. It challenges your feelings that you are “still smart”, even though you have trouble working with your “tools” properly to get to your smarts. I have wanted to be an advocate for folks with brain injuries. I have even sketched out a potential “book” to write about it.
Now, for the good news! I will forever be “grateful” for my brain injury! Looking back, I had become very “busy” in my corporate job as a Contract Manager, and I was great at analyzing and evaluating issues. I was very “left brained” all the time. However, I wasn’t using my “right brain” much at all...and even I knew that there should be a better “balance” of the two areas, in one’s life.
Soooo...after the accident, I became very right-brained, whether I wanted to be or not! I was unable to perform “executive functioning” tasks anymore, so I began to “listen” a little more, inside myself. I opened up to my “spiritual” side, and for that, I will be forever grateful.
Now, I had always known that somehow, the “mystical” parts of life, were a big part of who I was, but I naturally repressed those, because many people, back in the 1970’s, did not accept it when you would tell them that you could “hear voices”! The other thing they thought was that you needed to be “locked away” somewhere, so I (again) learned to “stay quiet”!
Well, after my accident, and up until about a year ago, I became a “reluctant channeler”. I knew I could help people to feel better by using my talents, but I wasn’t comfortable with it.
Then, about three years ago, I felt a different “presence” altogether. I eventually determined that, for whatever reason, JFK was “calling” me! Well, that situation just didn’t compute with me...why would he be wanting to talk to me? Who am I? I am not even a very good channeler!...those were the thoughts going through my mind, as you can imagine.
Well, as I have mentioned before, JFK can be very persistent. I tried to “ignore” him for a few months, but then I finally gave in and received his message (it turns out that I actually made an “agreement” with JFK to channel his messages in this lifetime).
And, the rest, as they say, is history! That is how I got to this moment in my life...and, I will say without a doubt, that I literally had to be “hit on the head” to finally begin “becoming” who I truly AM...a wonderful person, a very good channeler, and one who loves to help others, in any way I can! That is me, in a nutshell, I think.
Well, I hope I made enough sense here so you feel like you “know me” a bit better...and that my sharing of my challenging situations and emotions will cause you to feel less alone...because truly, with what I have “learned” from the “other side”, none of us, are ever alone! Please believe that!
I send you all my Love...and I wish for you, Infinite Blessings! Losha.
What a powerful, loving start to open this space! A very personal, "long story short," told beautifully.
Nice insight to a fragile journey
Note...I don't know why the text color is so light...I am trying to fix it...make it darker. Thanks.